She Knew...

I started getting breasts at nine. I was a full C cup at 12. I’ve had these hips since I was 13. The butt was hereditary. So I’ve had it all my life. But my face was a “baby face” well into my 20’s. And my giggle still that of a school girl. There was no way an ADULT could mistake ME for one. But still my mom made me wear a girdle once I turned 13 and always insisted I wear slips through most of my teen years, because a butt that jiggled and silhouettes of thighs meant you were “fast.” She made sure to introduce me as her “baby” in spaces where there were new or unfamiliar men around so they understood I was a minor. I was NEVER allowed to spend the night at anyone’s house but family, and there were some family I couldn’t even spend the night with. All these oppressive but well meaning attempts to keep lecherous men at bay. The onus was never on us as girls, but how does a mother protect her little girl in a world that doesn’t even value her?

I begrudged some of the more restrictive parts of my upbringing, but the older I get, the more compassion I find for my mother’s decisions. My dad gave me my independent spirit, my belief that I could do anything I wanted in this life, and his very presence on the planet gave me a sense of safety. My mother knew what it was like navigating this world as a black woman and did her best to shield me from its horrors so that I could freely believe the messages my father gave and see only the limitless possibility of being an independent black woman. 

But she was always willing to stretch when my strong will pushed the boundaries of her comfort. She never wanted to hold me back, but she knew too much to be completely comfortable when I dared to operate outside of the oppressive norms. So she yielded to my free spirit by expanding her container each time I pushed at its walls, but she never could completely give up the container, because she knew. 

She knew that this world would never value me as much as she and daddy did. She knew that the messaging I received outside of her container would try to feed me lies about my self worth and undermine all the things they had taught me to believe. She knew, so she did her very best to protect me for as long as she could. Her protection seemed like limits back then. I see the intentional love behind her actions now. She Knew...

A Christmas Memory, A Christmas Wish

Today I thought about the year I became clear that Santa was mythology. I was 8 and had been pretty sure it was all made up for about a year, but I didn’t wholesale abandon the belief, just in case. I kept on believing because I wanted to receive. 

That year, the year I turned 8, not too far from Christmas time, my parents moved us to a new neighborhood. The expense of a new home caused financial restraints that prompted them to reveal to me that Santa was indeed a thing of lore and that I may not get all the things I wanted for Christmas that year because the true purchaser of the gifts would be them. They trusted my intelligence and that I would understand that this great new house we were living in was far more important than any of the things on my list. And truthfully, I did. I loved my new room and I was completely ok with not getting everything on my lists, because I had something that I didn’t realize until much later in my life was more important to my mental health. I had a place and space of my own to explore my thoughts and engage my imagination. And I had a trust in my parents that based on past years when they played Santa that they would make up for any slack in future years. I was grateful.

So, on that Christmas morning, I decided to sleep in as opposed to getting up at the crack of dawn which was my usual practice. I figured I didn’t have as many presents to open. So, I might as well get some rest. LOL My mom had to come and wake me up. To my young heart’s surprise, my parents had some how managed to get me everything I had asked for on my list to “Santa.” I was more than excited since I had resigned my self to not getting it all. To this day it is one of my fondest Christmas memories. Knowing that my parents had sacrificed to make my holiday dreams a reality meant more to me than the thought of a Santa visit ever had.

As I was pondering this memory, I considered the approaching year. I will be embarking on some new endeavors and launching into some new territory in 2019. I will be walking into places that my faith has prepared me for, but my intellect has not yet completely grasped. But what I do know for sure is that these new opportunities are space and room to explore my thoughts and engage my imagination. And for THAT I am extremely grateful. This childhood memory reminded me of the power of resting in gratitude. It showed me that just like my earthly parents, the Universal Parent knows I can handle this next level of truth, and it reminded me that my response will dictate the joy of the expected outcome that Spirit has for me. You see, believing in Santa and getting what I wanted as a child for 7 years had taught me to trust in the power of belief. And my parents revealing the truth taught me that my parents loved me enough to have considered my desires and work to fulfill them for all those years. It is a lesson that both my earthly and Universal parents would reinforce time and again over the years. 

I have always had people in whom I believed and who believed in me. I think that is the reason why I am a “believer” beyond anything other. If this is something you’ve never or rarely experienced, then trust and belief can be a hard stance to maintain. I completely get it. So, my wish for you this Christmas is that you experience the power that lives in the place of belief and that you feel contentment that comes from a trusting relationship. And know that if no one else believes in you, I do! 

My friend Andrea calls me an eternal optimist. I call myself a pragmatic optimist. I know that the only way we make it as a species is together. And if that is true, and I believe that it is, then I must believe in you! I have to believe you will rise to your better nature; You will achieve your highest height. And that no matter how high you do or do not go, that you will tap into that same spark of human ingenuity that lives in us all and survive and thrive. 

I know everyone can’t hold that space and I don’t expect them to. We’re not all made for the same purpose. The world needs the realists and the pessimists to balance it all out. But, I’m a believer. I believed in Santa. I believed in my Parents and I believe in YOU. That’s my lane. I’ma walk in it and hope that by doing so it helps you to walk in yours. 

Merry Christmas! And Happy Holidays, whichever you observe! Trust and Believe!

Contemplations on Time

 

 

 

"Too young to be unhappy. Too old to waste my time." ab/kc (c) 2012

I wrote this line in a poem I wrote to commemorate my 39th birthday. It's been coming to mind a lot lately. The deeper I get into my 40's, the truer it becomes. If there was any advice I would write down and pass on to folks in their 20's it would be a slightly paraphrased version of this: "Life is too long to be unhappy and too short to waste your time." Live out loud and live it to the fullest. Don't let inconsequential people waste your time and cherish every moment you get with the people who matter. Because one day you wake up and you're 45 and you wonder "How the heck did that happen?" because you still feel 25 in your heart but your knees tell you something different. LOL!

All of the recent deaths of folks in their 40's has caused me to feel the fullness of my mortality. And that feeling motivates me to as fully, as large, and louder than I ever have before. Tomorrow is not promised and time really waits for no one. I always get real contemplative this time of year. My birthday is less that 2 months away and so I start recapping the personal year that's passing and evaluating how I will embark on the year to come and the themes I will take with me into my personal new year to propel me forward. I haven't formulated them all but I know the quote from my poem above and the words of James Taylor below will be guiding thoughts:

"walk on if you're walking even if it's an uphill climb.

And try to remember that working's no crime, just don't let 'em take and waste your time." ~ James Taylor

The Pure in Heart SEE GOD.

I must admit it has been a while since I've read through the Beatitudes. They are however, embedded in my memory as a result of having to memorize them for recitation in the Pentecostal church in which I grew up. They are stuck in my brain right next to the first solo song I ever sung and the monologue I memorized for my first acting jury in high school. That is why it was refreshing for me to see something for the first time in this scripture I know by heart, while reading them yesterday to follow along with the sermon my friend was preaching. Verse 8 of Matthew chapter 5, where the beatitudes are found says, "Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God." All my life my understanding of that verse positioned it as a command to strive to keep ones heart pure so that 1) You will get to see God at the end when your time here on earth was done (my initial understanding as a child/teen) and 2) God will show up in your life in needed ways (my understanding as an young adult). However, when vising that scripture today there was a new revelation that I, someone who has now lived through 45 years and is almost through with my 46th year here on earth, found. The thought hit me before the sermon even started, while were were just reading the text. And my friend actually took her sermon in a different direction than this revelation, but even after sitting through her thoughtful sermon, I was brought back to my initial revelation when considering the text later in the evening.

When our heart is pure, we see God everywhere we look. This is not a directive for faultlessness or behavior without error, but rather a declaration that those who make the effort toward wholehearted love have the ability to see the god nature of their fellow humans. If we are indeed made in the image and likeness of the creator, and if the Most Beloved's breath is the spark that gave humanity its existence, then is there not a reflection of divinity in each of us? When we push past the cynicism that comes from living on earth and living within the effects of its various isms and oppression, we are able to see the divine in every creature and being. If we strive to acknowledge the very sacredness of the experience of life that we are having on the planet, we will recognize the divinity of those around us living into, out of, and through that experience.

When I considered the implications of this interpretation of Matthew 5:8 it brought to mind such clarity of another scripture that is often quoted by both Christians and non Christians alike. In Matthew 25:31-40 Jesus, after having told the parable of the talents, starts into a sermon where he instructs those listening of how things will be when he comes into his throne. He advises that the blessed of the lord will be welcomed into his kingdom because they have clothed, fed, visited and otherwise cared for him. And anticipating their confusion, Jesus also says in his sermon that when these blessed ask "when did we see you to do any of these things for you?" his response will be that when they did it for the least of his brethren they had done it for him. The pure of heart can look at the poor, the hungry, the homeless, and the otherwise disenfranchised and see God. Standing with and caring for the oppressed and marginalized is the very definition of being pure at heart. This is what was revealed to me today as I read through the beatitudes for probably the fiftieth time in my life.

Now, I am no theologian; no New Testament scholar. I have no formal scholarship in the book of Matthew as yet. This is just a Sunday morning musing on scripture by a woman who has spent most of her life seeking to understand the nature of God, Her/His/Their existence, and their relationship to us and our lives as humans. So you are welcomed to consider this as heavily or lightly as you will. I was just struck by not only the new perspective I had on this scripture but also by how my perspective had changed even though the scripture itself had not.

I often remember hearing as a young girl in church that "God's word is sure and it does not change." Words on a page indeed do not change, but if we are living this life to its fullest we should be ever growing, evolving and changing. As Muhammad Ali once said, "A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life." That applies to scripture too. And this new perspective on Matthew 5:8 not only serves to inform the way I will live my own life from this point, but will also effect the way I engage those in our world who claim Christianity while simultaneously opposing the rights and equality for the marginalized and oppressed. Because I now know the pure in heart, SEE GOD in us all.  

Selah.

Sad to See these Pharisees and Sadducees

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are." ~Matthew 23:15 (NIV)

 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."  ~Matthew 23:27-28 (NIV)

It is no wonder that the only people that Jesus openly rebuked while on the planet were the religious leaders of his time. Institution breeds corruption. Traditions not reflected upon with deep analysis become idols themselves. The meeting of these so called “inner city preachers”  with the willfully racist and openly compassionless president of the USA is just the most recent in a long line of actions that reveal the "religious right" of all races in this country as the Pharisees and Sadducee of this current day. They talk a good game about God and feign piety but rarely show the love of Christ to those around them or follow his example of compassionate action. Instead of pushing back against corruption like Jesus driving the merchants from the temple, they have decided to collude with this modern day Herod in hopes that their proximity to empire will simultaneously save them from the persecution to come and enrich their pockets. They have chosen to be counted in the number of people who support an administration that is actively abusing children and holding them in modern day concentration camps, that worked for months trying to strip away health care from millions, and is seeking to strip away people's civil rights in the name of religion. They are sitting at the table with a man who openly refused to condemn ACTUAL Nazis and patting him on the back. As my friend the very learned Rev. Brandee Jasmine Mimitzraiem said, “The Church co-signed Hitler too.” So, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that these preachers have aligned themselves with with this malignant administration.

I think the thing that angers me the most about these displays that these hand full of mostly black clergy insists on making with Dorito Mussolini is that it reinforces the misconceptions of the Hoteps, Noteps and Super Woke, that Christianity is only a religion for the weak minded and that anyone who claims Jesus in any way is participating in their own oppression. I guess what I'm saying is that I hate that these feckless plebeians who would claim themselves authorities on religion have chosen to follow the centuries of bad theology that serves only to magnify the reach of "the church" and the ego of it's clergy while ignoring the person and principle of the man they claim to follow as an example. It never ceases to amaze me the atrocities wrought in the name of the Prince of Peace. I'd like to ask them All "What Would Jesus Do?" Selah

Jesus Would Have Baked My Gay Wedding Cake

Love God, Love Yourself. Love your neighbor as yourself. On this premise lives all the laws you are trying to keep and all the prophets' work you are trying to follow. ~Matthew 22:38-40 (Kenyetta Translation).

THIS is the answer Jesus gave when asked about the greatest commandment. So WHY is it that those who claim to follow Jesus seem to put so much focus on every possible way to condemn folks and not these 3 basic tenets. Why are they spending so much time trying to govern their lives and lives of everyone else by an antiquated set of laws(half of which they are misinterpreting anyway) that even their favorite, Apostle Paul said will kill you in the end.

If they REALLY believe that Jesus "paid it all" on the cross, then why do they keep charging folks for a debt that's been cleared? Let people live their lives, and live your life as a Christian in a way that would inspire others to see value in the way you're living. There's no need for these ideas of sequester that say "I can't serve or even associate with you because you're not of the same faith as I am." That is actually the exact opposite of what Jesus modeled for his followers. And when he was preparing to leave them he told them that the way the world should be able to recognize them as his followers was by following his example of love. He kept company with many of the same folks that these so called "Christian" business owners are trying to reject in the name of a savior they clearly don't fully understand themselves. The fact that the Attorney General of this country has created a committee to assist these so called Christians to discriminate against folks is not only constitutionally questionable, it is biblically incorrect.

Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding reception. And I'm convinced he'd have baked a cake for mine, no matter who I married. Selah

A Message for the Tender Heart

Anyone who knows me knows that at this stage in my life, I am not fond of tears. It is a personal shortcoming of which I am quite aware, but I've navigated my life successfully to this point with a stoicism that has served to protect my very tender heart that lies beneath. When I was young my mama used to tell me I had a "soft heart" because I cared so much about the plight of all the world's living things, people, animals and the very planet itself alike. I was that teenager and young adult at every protest and every rally for every cause I believed in. Around my mid twenties I developed a callus and toughened my skin to protect myself. The pain of the world was so great and relentlessly continuous. I learned to "care less" As a survival mechanism. But something happened in me back in 2011 when Troy Davis was unjustly executed. That was the first time in many years I found myself thinking "Wow, this is the world I am still living in. Just because I stopped noticing doesn't mean the horrors stopped happening. Not much has changed." And I found myself thinking of the mothers who daily lost children to the burn of the fire of this white supremacist system. And my "soft heart" shed its callus and felt the pain. I was never able to reapply that callus, And I didn't want to either. I mean sure, I had tough skin but what good is that when the world is going down in a blaze. My tough skin would not really protect me in the end. It would just make sure I was anesthetized when the fire consumed everything in its wake. 

This summer has really taken its toll. Weekly we have been presented with facts and footage of the onslaught of death by the state that is taking place in America. Unfortunately, this is just a carryover from the very brutal year black and brown folks had last year at the hands of those sworn to protect and serve. And it does not seem to be stopping as we embark on this next season of the year. For this reason, I cried yesterday. I cried heavy hearted, salty tears for every life lost. I cried for every child's innocence that was stripped from them this year because they lost a parent to state sanctioned violence, or because a parent had to take a moment to warn them about the world they send them out into every day. I cried for my own feelings of insecurity about navigating this world that is hostile to me a Black, Queer, Woman, in every way. And I cried for the years I spent shielding myself from it all.

And then I started writing. It is the only weapon I have ever wielded with any skill, well that and singing. I started writing poems at 11 yrs. old to try to make sense of this crazy world and to combat the cruelty that was my daily existence growing up in a place where I was the only black face in a sea of white ones. Poems lead to songs and prose. Writing was the tool my "soft" adolescent heart used to cope and soon became the only language I knew how to speak. As an adult I have often found it hard to express my heart's concerns verbally. But give me a pen and paper and I will recount the history of how we got here, theories of how we fix it and anthems to strengthen our hearts as we work to make it a reality. I lost the edge of my sword though, when I toughened my skin. I mean, how could I herald solutions in poem and prose, if I never gave voice to the intense pain of the problem? It is the question I asked myself after Troy Davis died and kept asking as I bore witness to the madness that has played out in this second decade of the new millennium. The answer was a firm "You can't."

And so, I've been writing to give voice to the pain I have suppressed for over a decade now, regarding the state of this planet we all share; in songs and Facebook posts mostly. LOL! But those social media rantings have brought me to this place where I now tearfully pick up my sword sharpened on the stone of grief and wield it for those whose voices have been silenced by an unjust system and violence sanctioned by the state. My mama was right. I do have a "soft heart." It can be my burden at times, but I know it is also my secret weapon against this system of oppression. Apathy is the friend of the status quo. Fear is the tool of tyranny. But compassionate, tender hearted outrage has often changed the world.

So, if you have found yourself in tears this summer. If on this Fall equinox your shoulders quake with sobs as you hear and read about the state of the world. It's okay. Your pain affirms your humanity and speaks to the beauty of your soft heart. As you sit with those tears and maybe even the feelings of helplessness that sometime accompany them, know that you are not helpless. There is SOMETHING you can do. We are not all great strategist or orators, but we all have talents that can be focused in the direction for justice. Take your skills, whatever they may be and find a way to use them for change. There is a need for the compassion that comes with true humanity right now. THAT is your place to fill. Whether you know it or not, YOU my "soft hearts" were made for this time.

xx One Love

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty..." 2 Corinthians 10:4