Some of the most dedicated disciples of the heart and
principles of Christ that I know are also queer. This is not a statement I
would have dreamed could be made as a Pentecostal girl growing up. The
interpretation of scripture that was presented to me in my youth allowed very little
room for deviation from the accepted religious norms. There was a dogmatic enforcement
of perceived understanding that left me often both wanting and isolated in my
pursuit to understand Spirit in relation to myself.
I have always desired to understand and experience the
oneness of a connection to Divinity. Even as a teenager I develop a practice of
private daily prayer in an attempt at intimacy with the Divine Creative Source
of the universe. It was the first personal decision I feel I made in my spiritual
life. This practice was different from the bedtime prayers required by my
parents, pre-adolescence. It was a conversation with the Source of the universe
in a quest for clarity and connection. And it provided me a vehicle to sustain
myself as I navigated my way through the religions of the world.
Yes, I experimented with religions in my twenties like most
people do with drugs. LOL I wanted a relationship with the Divine but felt that
who I understood myself to be was in direct opposition with what I was told God
was. You see, I’ve known with more than a little certainty that I was same
gender loving since I was 16 and coming from the tradition I had been raised in,
being Christian and Queer could not coexist. As the daughter,
granddaughter, niece & sister of several Pentecostal preachers, for me “Gay”
wasn’t an option.
At first I tried to deny the truth
of who I was in hopes that it was ”just a phase” that would pass. It did not. So for a while I conceded to being a "sinner." That didn’t
work for me either, because even in the midst of my attempts at debauchery I
continued my evening “conversations” with who/what I understood as God. I mean
how unruly can you really be when you have a standing bedtime appointment with God. (SMILE) So, I decided to “sample” some other religious expressions. Surely I could
find one that would help me achieve the oneness I was looking for and allow me to
live authentically and embrace myself completely.
After investigating both traditional and
NOI/Black Islam, Buddhism, Shintoism and Christ consciousness. I studied New
World Yoruba expressions like Santeria and Candomble. With my DEEP Christian roots
I saw them all through the lens of Christian scripture and was brought to a
very real and universal understanding. At the heart of every practice there
were 2 consistent truths 1) Love the creator (whatever it was called) with all
that you have and 2) show that love of him/her/it by being compassionate to
your fellow humans. Love & compassion were the key to that oneness I was
seeking. In this I saw the clarity of Jesus’ Statement: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your
soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as
yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang
on these two commandments.” (Matt 22:37-40 NIV) This was a liberating
concept that would send me on a journey to freedom. That journey is how I
learned that freedom is TRULY a process! I get a little freer every day.
My path to freedom took me through finding a love that
forced me to confront my demons and work more diligently to truly understand
scripture in relation to cultural and historical context, then to releasing that
love because she had done her service and played her part according to divine plan.
It took me through 2 ordination with 2 different spiritual expressions so that I could learn
to relate, honor, respect and embrace all people’s paths. It lead me to finding
the love of my life who saw the God in me and encouraged me to share what I had
learned in a lifetime of seeking with her at the very least, though she felt
(and feels) what I’ve gained is for the world and tells me so almost every day.
I crossed paths with other pilgrims to freedom that crushed my notions that all
Christian queer folk (if there were any) were either in the closet about their
queerness or their Christianity.
Now, I understand Divinity as the Life
Force Energy that flows through the entire universe. It expresses as Humanity,
the Animal Kingdom, Plant Life and the very Cosmos itself. I believe that
through the course of human history that Life Force Energy has expressed itself
in human form of varied gender identities as examples of what
connection to that Source Life Force Energy looks like, to remind the rest of
us. I connect most with the expression recognized by the planet as Jesus, known to
some as the Christ but acknowledge there are many who have and do walk among us
who others may connect to/with more closely. It is a Christianity that allows me to
bridge the gap between the little girl who grew up longing to connect to that
God of her youth and the Adult that understand connecting to the Source begins
with compassion for self and others. And I am enjoying the privilege of sharing one
on one inspiration with others whose brush with Christianity fell short of
accomplishing the great commission: to spread the good news that Jesus is the
expressed image of Love, and the understanding that Love can offer rest from the
toils and pressures of this human experience we are having.
And though it seems contradictory to what we see expressed in American society today, My Christian upbringing provided me a lens to see the universality of all spiritual expressions. And understanding THAT… saved my soul.
