How I Got Over (A Hair Raising Tale)

Last year about this time I cut out my locs. It was a decision I came to after months of deliberation. They hung down my back and fell to my waist right at my hips. They had become weighty and no matter what style I put them in my neck could find no relief. So, after 5 years of growth I cut my very long, very beautiful locs. I felt liberated; free!
Soon after cutting them I began to realize what had actually transpired in my life over the 5 years I had been growing my locs. I initially started locking because I was going through a personal transition and wanted a physical representation of what I was going through emotionally and psychologically. I was becoming someone new and wanted to look different.
During that time of transition in my life I grew immensely. And I'm sure by now most of us know that growth is rarely achieved in comfort. I actually experienced more discomfort than I had ever in my life. I faced my fears in a way that allowed me to see passed my own facade and embraced the fact that I actually had fears. I dealt with loss of people, places, things and ideas. I lost confidence and hope and found them all again in the course of those 5 yrs. And my dreams once vibrant dimmed with deference. But at the end of it all I felt stronger, more equipped and renewed in hope that all things were possible. It was at this point the locs became more than I could bear. So I cut them to release myself from all the weight of self doubt that had plagued me for all those years. But when I decided to let go of them I also decided I wouldn't just cut it all away.
So I painstakingly raked out each loc over the course of two weeks. Was my hair fragile and damaged after this process? Of course it was. But I retained enough hair to compliment me in the way I needed physically; and with it the lessons hard learned in the preceding years. Day by day I nurtured my hair and my confidence back to fullness understanding that both could be restored.
Once again I stand at the precipice of change but this time there is something so wonderfully inspiring about it. I feel that full body charge that comes from knowing you are following your own path and it’s the right one for you. AND I miss my locs.
I am glad I let them go. Letting go of them allowed me to shift energy and release weight. It allowed me to embrace the me I birthed after so many nights of labor; the new, shining me full of the hope of youth and the wisdom of experience; the me who for the first time ever is as close to whole as she has ever been. With that wholeness I embark on a new “locking” journey.
This time I start the journey understanding the divinity within. I journey with the wide-eyed enthusiasm often saved for youth. I journey with the wisdom of the sages. I journey understanding my unique place in the schema of humanity and joyfully embracing it. This time what weighed me down, will be the symbol of my meteoric rise.
So this weekend while some work to be THE fright of the night. And still others observe the holiness that abounds. I will be celebrating the holy triumph over my own fears by restarting my locs. I am starting them myself just as I did before. This time as I twist I will smile at all that is wonderful and right in my life and set the tone for more positivity to come. I feel so grateful for my hair that has suffered through all my many incarnations always returning for the next go round.
I know some might say this is a “whole lot over some hair do!” But it is not so much about the hairdo as the place and space in time it has represented. I am not celebrating my hair as much as I am celebrating overcoming. I now understand the old gospel song a little bit better. “My soul looks back and wonders how I got over.” That doesn’t just happen on the other side. It happens in the very here and now. And when it does you must take the time to acknowledge it. So, that next time around you won’t have to wonder…You will have full understanding that it is your divine nature to be an Overcomer.

Daddy's Girl

I am a Daddy’s girl. There is no denying it. For years I fought against the notion that I was so much like him, but the older I get the more I see how much of an influence he had on the process of me becoming me; and you know what, that’s a good thing. Don’t get me wrong Growing up with Leon A. Brown wasn’t all ice cream and ponies. He was strict, a disciplinarian. But he was also very loving and playful. He was a constant presence in my life not just some shadow that cast his essence your way when all conditions were right. He was a Father.

You know the kind that you read about in classic novels and Greek tragedies. Beautifully human. He made sure that I had the most comfortable life that he could provide and I must admit I was much more privileged than I realized at the time. But the biggest gift I think he ever gave me as a developing child on into my young adult year was the belief that I could do anything I wanted in life. This man who was a product of a time so much different than the one that I was born into understood that in my time the only limits to my success would be of my own making. He taught me to never let someone tell me I couldn’t do or be something because I was black or female. He always said “you can do anything you set your mind to.” What a gift; the gift of limitless possibility.

And if there was anyone who knew this was true it was him. He left the Bahamas as a teenager and ventured to a foreign land where he knew almost no one. He carved out a life for himself and realized his own “American Dream” complete with wife kids and a big house in the suburbs. It wasn’t easy but he never believed it wasn’t possible.

This thought has fueled me through most of my life. It has been the catalyst to many adventures and the anchoring thought when making difficult decisions. When you look at the expanse of my life one might say “Well you don’t seem all successful or rich or powerful” and this may be true. But I can say that where I am today is truly of my own making. I didn’t what I chose and I never let anyone dictate my destiny to me. Because of this I have learned so much just from the living of life that I would never have experienced had I been too afraid t or let someone tell me I couldn’t do something. And this wisdom still drives me.

I am going back to school at 37. I am self-producing a musical CD. I am writing a memoir, and I am being me to the absolute fullest. And there is no one who could ever make me believe that any of this isn’t possible. Why because my daddy told me years ago that it was.
Having him in my life daily as I was growing up was invaluable. His presence made all the difference in the world. I can’t imagine having become the person I am today without him there. He was the compliment to all the practical application knowledge that my mom gave. Between the both of them I became the dreamer equipped with the skills to make them come true. For this I am very grateful.

Esther-For Such a "Child" as Me

“…And who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” ~Esther4:14b

I have learned so much by watching my mother and it has affected the way I am in the world. Her grace and style inspired me to my own stylish endeavors. Her resourcefulness is my guide weekly as I remember the things she taught me when I do my grocery shopping. Her creativity inspired me to be creative in so many ways (especially my crochet). Her love of God is always an example to me as I continue on my own spiritual journey. But if I were forced to pick one thing about my Mommy that I loved the most, it would be her ability to make you feel like you matter regardless of how you may be seen in the world.
Growing up I was never the average bear (LOL). I was always my own person with my own ideas that didn’t always fit with the world around me. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s true. *SMILE* But as different as I may have been from people my own age my mother never allowed me to feel less in her presence. I remember one time when I was in high school, I was complaining about how the kids would make fun of my fashion choices but then would be wearing the exact same things a few months later. My mother said to me “that’s because you’re a trend setter not a trend follower.” I’ve been using that pearl of wisdom ever since. As a child she always treated me like a person, not just her kid. She was always willing to learn from me just as much as she taught me and this made me feel valued. I think that is the greatest gift a mother can ever give to a child.
Of all the women in the world I could have been born to, the Great Divine allowed me to enter this mortal plane through the womb of Esther Mae Kemp Brown. Never has there been a woman who has lived up to her name more than she. In Hebrew the name means “Hidden.” In Persian it means “Star.” And she truly is a hidden star that shines brightly in the galaxy of her family and the people who love her; though others outside that realm may never see it. Like the North Star she is this illumination by which you navigate you life, providing light as you traverse the world’s highways but always pointing you in the direction home. I’m not sure there was anyone as suited as she to be my mother. She was brought to the “kingdom for such a time as this; “ for a child such as me. For this I am so very grateful.

SOLITUDE

original by Kenyetta chinwe(Angela Y. Brown)

I wanted to post this during the Valentine's day season but I was experiencing technical difficulties with my Internet. So, for your consideration here is my take on loving, losing and self-love.

In the silence of my solace
I learn to love you
Not because you are perfect
Because you are you.

In the quiet of my contemplation
I learn to love myself
For who I am
Despite what I think I lack.

It has been said
That love is wasted on the young.
And the older I get
I find it to be true.

When I was 20
Love meant a pretty face, a beautiful smile
A halo of hearts dancing around our heads
And stars in our eyes.

Now all I expect of love
Is a gentle touch, an open heart
Words of respect
And honor

I guess I should thank you
For this solitude in which I abide
Without It I’d have waited to learn
That it’s okay to love you
But not more than I love me.

I’d have never realized
That by embracing my aloneness
I’d find the true beginning of love
And witness its birth inside of me.

And so I cling to the silence
For as long as it must last
I invite the quiet until it gives way to laughter
I enjoy the solitude as it guides me to love

And I love you still
In the midst of it all
Just not more than me

A Resolution of Love

Each year I make out a list of goals and plans I swear to myself I will accomplish. This year is no different. There are goals I wish to accomplish and heights I want to achieve. I want to move forward. I believe that desire is the nature of man (humanity). But this year while I was pondering my list I realized that I could reduce it to a single concept; a base principle that if followed would help me to achieve all the other things. So this year my resolution for the New Year is love. Yeah I know it seems kinda hooky and simplistic but think about it: If I really practiced self love I will treat myself with respect. This means I would eat better and exercise more which would allow me to lose those pounds I vow to lose every year. I would honor my true heart passions and go for those auditions I always talk myself out of in the name of finance and stability and stick to my 1 hr daily writing schedule I set for myself so I can finally get my career moving again like I have promised myself I would for the last 5 years. I would acknowledge the fact that though I am extremely independent I really miss my family sometimes and I would call my mother and sisters more often. I would say no when I really didn’t want to do something and not make myself uncomfortable for the sake of other’s opinion of me. I would feel healthier and happier.
And consider if I looked at the world through eyes of love. I would see the need around me more vividly and commit myself to the volunteer and community work that I add to my resolution list every year. I would be more tolerant and be more willing to engage in the many discussions and forums I am invited to speak at or participate in yearly offering the knowledge that I have gained from study and experience and not see them as merely another argument waiting to happen. I would take the time to call my friends all over the country that I think of often but never seem to find the time to pick up the phone and call. I would set aside the time to pray for peace daily like I said I would and not just remember when I on the rare occasion watch the bombs go off in some distant land on the news because I watched instead of read my news that day.
With Love as my resolution all the others would be met. And from the heart space not some twisted place of obligation. Then at the end of my year I would feel accomplished and whole because even if all the things on my to do list didn’t get achieved I would know that what I did do was because of love and there’s no fault in that. Yeah, I think that from now own no matter what my goals for the year are my New Year’s resolution will always be love. There is no failure in love.
Happy New Year all! I wish you a wonderful year filled with love!